[Today I spent time with God in the morning. Wrote stuff in my journal that I'm pretty sure He's trying to tell me from Numbers 9-12, today's reading. It didn't make sense at the time. I'm afraid my time with Him is becoming routine when there is no life to what I read in His Word. It has become "doing devotions", a term I don't like at all...when I exclusively spend time with my husband, I don't call it "doing marriage", I call it "date night", so why does spending time with God need to sound so robotic and impersonal? Side rant. Even if no one reads this anymore, thought I'd share what I wrote in my journal when I finally gave God a chance to speak by stopping what I was doing which seemed so important, my homework. Took a walk around the building and let Him turn His WORD from this morning's passage into words straight into my life.]
"Following you where you lead and stopping where you stop is FREEDOM. Right now CONTROL defines my life. I need to know ahead of time what plans are. I try to change others myself. I compartmentalize everything - my time, my roles, my relationships, even my relationship with you gets put in a box. '
God time is @ 6 am and 10 pm.' Today you said that praise and worship to you is anywhere...you ALWAYS deserve it.
My need to control is out of fear of being irresponsible and disorganized. It's an "unproductive busyness", day after day of catching up on tasks that I still didn't get done. Some, after almost a year of being put off! (hello, thank you cards.) So if my control isn't working, it's not producing fruit, hence it's REALLY unproductive and points to the real issue. It's beyond me, so really I'm trying to control what's out of my control. If plans just so happen to change, not cool. How can I ever live in faith like this?
So this is where you REIGN in all your glory. I know it seems like a minor issue, compared to Christ in all His fullness, but Christ in His fullness is Christ being all and in all. Just like the song stood out to me this morning, "My heart and my soul...I give you control...Consume me from the inside out Lord..."
CONSUME ME is my prayer. That you would kill every part of me that isn't you so I can let YOUR life and YOUR Spirit reign. What I tend to make so relevant that's REALLY irrelevant are my weakness, lackings, insecurities, people's opinions, even my strengths...when what is more TRUE and REAL is your life in me through your Spirit. **My true blessings are in Jesus Christ. I now have strength to OVERCOME things I cannot myself. Your promised Spirit of the glorified Jesus Christ, in all His fullness and richness, now dwells within me.** [Taken from sermon 2/10/13] Now THAT'S REAL. THAT'S RELEVANT. THAT'S TROOF. :]
So giving up control doesn't mean being irresponsible and disorganized. It's turning to you in all things to take control. And that includes my husband. I trust that you will be the one to overcome the bondages in our lives, in our marriage. You overcome my need to nag and tell him what's right/wrong, good/bad, what he should/shouldn't do because ultimately you have the power. As you said today, "Is the Lord's arm too short? You will now see whether or not what I say will come true for you" (Numbers 11:23). And you always prove yourself true and right.
Ultimately it is YOU who will fight our battles. I'm not in this alone, even though it feels that way sometimes. (I feel ya, Moses.) It's a beautiful thing to be KNOWN by you. You know what's really going on in my deepest thoughts and in my heart. You even know the pain that's long been buried. I never need to explain myself. You just know. You are with me and you don't leave me alone. You even send me people in my life, although they don't compare to your unconditionality in love, mercy, and grace.
It is you who will show me that TRUE FREEDOM is not holding back. Since you know me inside and out, why should I hold back from you with other people? You've shown me that humility, true humility, has nothing to do with my place in comparison with people. It has everything to do with YOU. This relationship with you. If I know my place before you, I'll definitely know my place before people, especially those you've called me to lead.
That's another area to to learn from you. To learn how to follow your lead in my ministry. I think I am, but how can I when I limit it to the office, on Tu-Fri, @ 9 am, and maybe 3 pm if I'm not busy at the time? But this is really the lightest burden to carry, as long as I understand my role and place before you. Of course you are in the business of putting your Spirit upon your church! I'm just your assistant, the little Joshua of Moses who doesn't know any better. I ain't no expert. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the "youth experience" background so people don't put that pressure on me, or I put on myself. I'm sure you just don't think about them twice a day. That's another thing that makes this job unique - it's not a 9-5 job even though it looks like it. (I trust you will show me the boundaries too right? But I'm nowhere near there!) My desire is not to treat this job as: "showing the parents/church what I can bring to this ministry", but rather: "I wish that all the Lord's people were prophets and that the Lord would put his Spirit on them!" (Numbers 11:29)
So in my desire to receive true blessings from you and being transformed in the fullness of Jesus Christ, let me remember to BE a blessing by turning to you as the true Redeemer and Savior in all my relationships.
Turning to you in all things is TRUE REST and FREEDOM. I didn't realize the fullness of this truth until I took time to walk with you today. There's a reason why you spoke to me about this, and I never would've discovered it if I didn't take time to listen to you."
[Today's topic on Oswald Chambers' "Utmost": "The Discipline of Hearing"]
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The goal of my spiritual life is such close identification with Jesus Christ that I will always hear God and know that God always hears me. If I am united with Jesus Christ, I hear God all the time through the devotion of hearing. A flower, a tree, or a servant of God may convey God's message to me. What hinders me from hearing is my attention to other things....
If I have not developed and nurtured this devotion of hearing, I can only hear God's voice at certain time. At other times, I become deaf to Him because my attention is to other things - things which I think I must do..."
[So if you've gotten this far, thanks for letting me share my journal entry with you, a very personal part of me, but I pray you take time today to get your attention off of doing other things, even "doing devotions", and really take time to listen to Him. His Spirit is already in you, and you don't need to do anything more than expect to hear Him in faith. He will speak into your life the words you really needed to hear.]
